Wednesday, November 14, 2007

The Madcap Laughs

I know it's not Purim yet, but I couldn't resist... Found this on Reb Yudel Shain's blog in the comments section:

Yonaty and Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin are pleased to introduce:
The Chumra of the Week Club
• Are you concerned that people don't notice and appreciate your yiras shomayim?
• Do you sometimes get the feeling that your neighbor is observing more chumras than you?
• Have you ever noticed someone looking at your tefillin during shacharis as though there were something wrong with them?
• Do people occasionally hesitate when you extend them an invitation to eat at your home, or ask what hashgachos you rely on?
• Has anyone ever said to you in surprise: "Oh, are you maikel?"
If you have ever been faced by any of these mortifying scenarios, The Chumra of the Week Club (CWC) is for you!
CWC is a new concept in real, authentic, ostentatous Yiddishkeit. Never again will you be upstaged! Never again will you be at a loss for a chumra! We supply you weekly with the very best in conspicuous yiras shomayim! (Please note that due to lack of demand for "bein adam l'chaveyro" chumras, all CWC chumras are "bein adam lamakom".)
Special Introductory Offer (limited time only): Join now and immediately receive three free chumras from our database (from the categories of your choice) as our introductory gift to you. Thereafter, each Friday you will receive full source material for a new, exciting, additional chumra which you can immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have amassed a chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the envy of your kollel or shul.
Guarantee: We absolutely GUARANTEE all our chumras to be of the highest quality! Our full-time staff is busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most obscure strictures. (Note that with Super-frum and Over-the-top membership you can receive even more obscure and personalized chumras - guaranteed to dumfound both friend and foe.)
Return Policy: If you are not delighted with any chumra you receive from us, you may return it for exchange within 7 days of receipt - no questions asked. Simply state the reason for the return (to help us serve you better in future), and the category from which you wish to receive your replacement chumra.
Reasons for return may include (but are not limited to):
• You are already observing a chumra of equal or greater stringency. (Unlikely, as our chumras are hand-picked for uniqueness and stringency.)
• You know someone who is already observing the same chumra.
• The chumra is not noticeable enough.
• The chumra does not inconvenience other people
• Keeping the chumra would involve personal hardship
Accompanying Factsheet: Our chumras come from a wide range of lesser-known achronim, including: the "Pi Ha'ason," and the "Shtus Vehevel." Each chumra comes complete with a fully annotated fact sheet that includes:
• A photocopy of the source material
• A list of justifications for your chumra
• Suggestions on how to introduce the chumra into casual conversation
• Member feedback and success stories
Don't suffer any longer! Don't sit back as others beat you in the race to the top! Join CWC today and benefit from the special introductory offer! Start your own personal database of show-stopping chumras by completing the form overleaf and mailing it to us with your payment TODAY!
Please complete form and send, with your cheque, to The Chumra of the Week Club, c/o Yonaty Design and Publishing, 12/13 Shalom Bonayich, Netivot 87804, Israel.
Title (check one):
□ Harav
□ Harav Hagaon
□ Harav Hatzaddik
□ Hagaon Hatzaddik
□ Kvod Kodsho
□ Moreinu Verabeinu
□ Adoneinu Moreinu Verabeinu
□ Hamara De'asra
□ G'dol Hador
□ Other (please specify): __________________
Name ___________ ben ___________ ben ___________ ben ___________
(You must be able to supply genealogical data for the past four generations to be eligible for CWC).
Surname: _______________
Address: ___________________________________________________________
Phone: ____________ email: __________________
Indicate the level of membership you wish to purchase (check one):
□ Regular (one new, eye-popping stringency per week - $500 p/a)
□ Super-frum (same as Regular PLUS one super-unusual chumra every six months - $650 p/a)
□ Over-the-top (same as Super-frum PLUS an annual chumra tailor-made for you, and guaranteed to be totally unique - $950 p/a.)
To help us custom-tailor your personal chumra selection, please circle the following, as applicable:
1) Litvak / Chassidic / Sephardic
2) FBB / BT
3) Type of coat worn (check one):
□ short - single breasted
□ short - double-breasted
□ knee-length - Two buttons on back? ( YES / NO )
□ ankle-length
□ drags on floor
Years in kollel _______ Current occupation: _____________________________
Yes, please rush me my three introductory chumras by return post! (Check three categories below from which you would like to receive your free chumras):
□ Food - Fleishigs
□ Food - Milchigs
□ Davening
□ Clothing
□ Tefillin and Tzitzis
□ Miscellaneous

So far... I guess this is why we need so many Geirim, as Jews don't buy it anymore.

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