Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Breadfan (Stale Matzo Scam Upd-ate)

Many of you have probably noticed the stale smell and taste of machine shmurah-matzos this year. (B”H I’m more fanatic than that – so the possibility for me to fall victim to such a scam is extremely low.) Some people got really angry about it and decided to get to the bottom of the matter. So far here is what has been found out:

A certain distributor (still unknown) bought up all of last years Haddar and Glick’s matzos after Peasch, at about 4 pennies on the dollar. This year he sold them as fresh matzo. My guess is that he even saved himself the freezing costs. Haddar claims they know nothing – but swear they had nothing to do with it. Unfortunately for them, among their customers –or, more precisely, among the crooked distributor’s customers – were a few top-notch attorneys who got really ….., well angry for their Seder being spoiled in such a way. So now either Haddar spills the beans, or they will have to face Mr. Cuomo Jr.’s wrath – and ambition to prove himself a good anti-capitalist corporation-eater. (Don’t hold your breath though for him to go after child molesters – that’s not glitzy enough). However, all matzo manufacturers will probably be forced to properly code & date their products from now on.

Cholov Yisroel could use a bit of that, and the meivin should yavin.

That’s the story in short, so far. I have a few more details for later – if you know anything, let us hear from you.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Killing Machine

How wonderful are the benefits of Judaism! The restrictions on pork chops, cheeseburgers, cordon bleu and other delicacies, as well as the intricacies of Talmudic hair-splitting, the laws of niddah, shmitah, shaatnez, the wonderful privileges of private education and a myriad of other delightful details –such as the way to tie one’s shoes- are no wonder extremely enthralling to the average Gentile. Nevertheless, it seems that the number of those brutally honest, dedicated and relentless children of foreign nations who are willing to give it all up and devote themselves to the wonders of Yiddishkeit has risen in the past decades.

Only an absolute cynic would dare even insinuate that the hope of marrying a desperate Jewish girl, the boons of Aliyah packages or the influence of certain chemical agents might trump the passionate dedication of such exalted spiritualists. And of course, the mere thought that the trivial few dozen grand that a respected rabbi pockets at the conclusion of the giyyur deal –ooopppss, procedure (sorry, hehe)- may somehow influence anyone to find shelter under the wings of G-d’s almighty presence is but vile slander.
It is absolutely evident that if even a scant fraction of the aforementioned atrocious accusations were true, all of the Agudah’s Rabbis would have already assaulted the suspected with Ak-47’s, M-1 Abrams tanks (Merkavas are treif, we know) and grenade launchers. Unless… well, unless there are some totally ‘kosher’ rabbis involved in the scams. I might be mistaken, but I think that it may not be total heresy to suggest that the Torah, which, so far, even according to the theological acrobats of YCT is of divine source, has said “כִּי הַשֹּׁחַד יְעַוֵּר עֵינֵי חֲכָמִים, וִיסַלֵּף דִּבְרֵי צַדִּיקִם. – bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and falsify the words of the righteous” for a reason.

For the lack of space, and also because I do not have tangible, easy to exhibit proof of their involvement in this widespread scheme, I shall not mention names herein. Suffice to say that there is an extremely powerful rabbi in the Israeli chief rabbinate who can virtually create Jews on an assembly line – given the right price, of course. The reasons for the rise in demand for Jews are numerous and diverse – but believe you me, it is due as much to a sudden rise in worldwide piety as to a sudden soapbar shortage.

Amazingly, no one exploited this outrage to stir a juicy little machloikes and kindle the good old flames of hatred. I’m starting to think that there’s no real scandal unless no one smears the other with it. How else can you explain that a “giyur conference” was held in Jerusalem, with the most respected rabbis attending? The conference was orchestrated by several of these giyur-scoundrels, under the pretext that some giyurs are necessary to ‘save’ mixed-marriage families! Can you believe that great rabbis can actually be bamboozled with such nonsense? Oh, poor Johnny’s parents have to buy him presents for both Christmas and Chanukah! Boo-hoo-hoo! So let’s quickly convert papa Paul or mama Jane to Judaism, and we save the poor family all the burden of all the Christmas gifts to all the children (and the tree, too)! And what about all those dead presidents in the rabbi’s pockets? Well, he’s got to make a living too, no? Can’t live on Kollel pension all his life, can he?

This extreme xenophobia of mine stems not solely from my insatiable thirst of conserving the immaculate purity of the Supreme Jewish Race. Although converts in the past lent priceless contributions to our culture, for the most part they were rather detrimental. The Egyptian geirim repaid Moshe’s kindness with the golden calf, an Amalekite ger killed Shaul Hamelech, and from all the geirim I ever met, barely anyone can be called “normal” by the widest stretch of the word. One of these jewels recently acquired by the priestly kingdom & saintly nation is a pornography actor (no, not a former porn actor; a porn actor), who now calls himself “your moral leader”. His moral leadership consists of bitching about the length of davening on yomim noroim and promoting “Orthodox Jewish” sexual perversion groups. I have absolutely not the slightest iota of a shade of a doubt that the rabbi who was megayer this heap of human manure did not make a single dollar on the deal. The initiator of the giyur was Mr. Dennis Prager, the great Orthodox conservative commentator. Prepare your thank-you cards, please.

The current spectator sport called “giyur” serves many purposes to many folks: in Israel, secular people mingle with the mostly Judenrein Russian and Ethiopian immigrants, and a giyur is necessary for a valid marriage. Even after the hassle of a civil marriage in Cyprus, which is recognized by the beginning of the sprouting of our redemption, the holy State of Israel, doesn’t grant all the goodies that a rabbinate-recognized Jewish marriage affords. Besides, the couple grand a rabbi pockets is the cost of the Cyprian trip, bureaucracy and gratuities. (Yes, even goyim can be corrupt, believe it or not). There are also many desperate Jews, in Israel and abroad, who can’t find a suitable match due to a myriad of reasons; their appearance, intelligence, specks on their pedigree, and the myriad of intricate details involved in orthodox Jewish dating. For these people, a benevolent rabbi will find a mamesh excellent shidduch, with the only drawback being that the candidate is a ger or giyores. Add to this all the less-than-Orthodox people who become involved in relationships with gentiles, but their fervent piety -and sometimes grandma- won’t let them marry “just a goy”. A quick trip to the ATM and then to the rabbi does the trick.

But why would anyone protest when it’s a win-win situation for all: the happy rabbi happily pockets the pork and the happy pork marries a brand-new happy Jew/esse. And of course, why scare the public with reports of terrorists trying to kidnap or blow up school buses, veiled women voting in Canada, and judges thwarting the protection of children from internet porn (whoever has internet access should just blame himself), if there can be a juicy feud by exploiting evolutionary books, sheitels and child-molesting scandals.

Ta-ta, ta-ta-na-na-na-na-na-na na-nannana
Money for nothing and Jews for free…