Defenders Of The Faith

Not begging you
I'm telling you
You won't break me
You won't take me
I'll fight you under
blood red skies


The Eidah Chareidis’ position on Jerusalem’s planned Sodomite Parade is already stirring controversy. It has been suggested that the Eidah has called for violence under code words and expressions. If this is the case, it is a breath of fresh air. It is grand time the legitimate residents of the Holy Land finally take some gutsy action. Unfortunately, this is not materializing in a concise, organized, and well thought-out fashion. Instead of burning trash cans in their own neighborhoods, which doesn’t achieve much more than some traffic and police disturbance, they should silently organize something that would stop the parade in its tracks. And I’m not talking about peaceful negotiations. The Israeli “law” enforcement that has no scruples removing people from their homes, brutalizing protesters and extorting confessions (from Jewish prisoners more than from Arabs) by violent means, is now bound to abet and protect the promoters of abomination on our holy soil. This is however not the really relevant point. In recent years, even G-d fearing Jews came to view secular law as something holier than anything else. Why would arbitrary law set by humans – even the best ones – (and unfortunately usually quite the opposite is true – especially in Israel) trump the Divine Word?

Sodomy is one of the ‘three severe’ offenses, which not only carry capital punishment but one must also give his life rather than transgress them. And the parade is not just a means of the poor oppressed homosexuals to express themselves and demand the basic rights denied them on a daily basis. It is a calculated and organized means of legitimizing the unlegitimizable, of forcing humanity not only to accept homosexuality, but to cherish depravity and degeneracy as supreme values, to disintegrate the family-based social structure and eventually establish a self-murdering society that lives solely for the momentary pleasure. Why do you think they march on Jerusalem, of all places? Their real intent is to force the three monotheistic religions to bow down to them and recognize, legitimize what they believe is a repugnant crime. Isn’t this the very anathema of democracy? Would mayor Blumberg authorize a KKK March through Harlem? Furthermore, would Schwarzenegger authorize an RNC rally in Hollywood? If he would, there is no doubt in my mind that the ultra-tolerant paragons of ultra tolerance would burn the intolerant racist republicans alive. But more importantly, this is the willful and blatant rejection of G-d’s rule, and they want to shove it in our faces, just to show us that they can. For if humanity does not submit to a supreme Law, there is no life after matter – therefore life has no purpose, no meaning, and no reason. And this is the paraders' real goal.
This is Dor HaMabul, dor HaPalgah, this is the war of Amalek. And we must fight it. Fight it relentlessly.

For the Jerusalem municipality to authorize this utter abomination is again a confirmation that the state of Israel was established, and still is, totally opposed to the bare foudations of Judaism. In effect, a state created for racial reasons – for if they shed their mere Judaism, if they trample even the last vestiges of respect that they must relinquish to our nation’s raison d’être, the Torah, - nothing remains. Nothing, but an empty, racist and meaningless monstrosity. That is why they give up everything, that is the reason they refuse to fight for their own country and court the enemy. And now they have aligned themselves with this Amalek – and must be fought equally.

The claim that the Jerusalemites’ behavior is the opposite of Kiddush Hashem is not only myopic, but malicious too. Since when is the whole world considered to be the vociferous gay lobby? Since when is it a Chilul Hashem to stand up to their beliefs and values? Since when is it a Chilul Hashem to fight an oppressive government? Since when is it a Chilul Hashem to withstand depravity and degeneracy? Since when are Kiddush Hashem and Chilul Hashem measured in the eyes of malevolent, deviant populace?

There are, however, all too many problems with the protestors’ behavior. The first is that rather than an organized uprising and fight, they are more bent on thoughtless acts of hooliganism. The have no designated leader, they gather and disperse on a whim, and act with no planning and thought whatsoever. What we need now is a well-designed course of action, thought out by serious leaders, who would harness the people to execute it, even at their own peril. In this manner, I would not rule out even acts of extreme violence. It would be fairly easy to paralyze the city by sabotaging the buses, and instead of burning trash cans in their own neighborhoods, drag them to the planned site of the parade and set them on fire there – the possibilities are virtually endless. But for that of course a strong leader is needed, and a leader rises from a strong and cohesive unity – something to which we seem incapable and unwilling to bring ourselves even under the ultimate threat.

The US Orthodox media and rabbinical leadership also behave in an utterly despicable manner. Again, each follows its own lilliputian agenda – one is silent for fear of alienating two and a half congregants, most condemn those ‘irresponsible Haredim’, and of course many are all too eager to jump at the Edah’t throat – “finally we can get even with those anti-Zionist vermin!” Right on!
The least we must do is to forcefully and unanimously condemn the abomination, and organize prayers to cancel it. Don’t hold your breath though – you may choke.

It seems that unity is achieved only for evil purposes – such as the Sodom parade.

(Related: Unity of evil, homosexuality, crime of silence)

Victim Of Changes

This site will undergo some changes, as you will soon witness. There will be a shift to some more political oriented posts and links, not only internal Orthodox Jewish topics. As my velvet gloves are growing extremely tight, I’ll just remove them – no more Mr. Nice Guy. There might be some more innovations as soon as I succeed to harness technology to my needs. The site’s name will change as well – this will go in effect in about a week. Enjoy, and proceed with caution.

2+2=7

The Red Square, Moscow, mid-‘60es. Gigantic gathering, tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of people. The speaker ascends the podium to tremendous applause. “Comrades!” He declares, “Two plus two equals six!” and the crowd breaks out in thunderous cheers. Only in the very last row one person whispers something in his neighbor’s ear. Immediately, a dozen policemen in uniforms appear, brutally beating the man while he is being led away, never to be seen again.
Same place, same scenario, some fifteen years later. The speaker ascends the podium to tremendous cheers and declares: “Comrades! Two plus two equals five!” The crowd breaks in thunderous applause. Only in the last row, one man whispers something in his neighbor’s ear. Two policemen, this time in civilian, approach him and call him to the side. “Sir” they ask him, “Would you like it to be six again?”
(Widespread joke in the formerly communist bloc)

We are again and again reminded of the gmore (Rosh HaShana 25) stating that each generation’s leaders (gdolim) must be respected as if they were the great leaders of previous generations, and therefore we must not question our leaders’ decisions or actions. The statement in itself makes much sense; we cannot expect – neither do we deserve- leaders such as Moshe Rabeinu, Shmuel Hanavi or Dovid Hamelech. The problem in the analysis, however, arises when there are no leaders to begin with. That gmore specifically discusses the lack of piety and wisdom of Gideon, Yiftach and Shimshon, calling them “kalei oilom” (“lightweights of the world” i.e. shallow, empty people) yet makes the case for their respect because they valiantly led and defended the nation, despite their shortcomings. (As a side note to my dear religious-zionist friends: please avoid any and all analogy between these “three kalei oilom” and the founders of Zionism and the pseudo-Jewish state: they may not have been too frum, but anti-Judaism and anti Jewish they were definitely not.)

We shall also note that there most definitely were great talmidei-chachomin and tsaddikim in those generations. But despite the tremendous and vital achievement of transmitting of our lifeblood, the Torah, most are not individually mentioned in the scriptures. It should also be mentioned that what the gmore calls “kalei oilom” can absolutely not be taken literally as we would use that term today (see Maharsh”o there). A person who dedicates and sacrifices himself for the sake of the nation, per definition cannot be “shallow” and “empty”. However, because the immense responsibility resting on such leaders’ shoulders, as well as the fact that they are role models, their shortcomings in piety and heeding the divine word are magnified and pointed out – so those aspects of their behavior not be followed.

In our days, however, the situation is very different. Our leadership –inasmuch as we have one- despite its vast Torah knowledge, is not leading or protecting its flock in any way shape or form similar to that of the aforementioned trio. Not in fighting our enemies from within and without, not in unifying the people, not in listening and being aware of the layman’s plight, and not in being informed and involved with the common folk. Yes, they are accessible, and yes, they are trying to help individuals who ask for help, but as far as changing large-scale problems, correcting injustices, corruption and other related burdens, there’s either complete inaction or lip service - “Ethics in business” seminars and such. Duh. Why not stop the out-of-control Hassidic ghetto-building at my expense and stop the politicians who are being voted for in return? Oh, yes and please let me see the books of the Mosdos. I’d like to know how much the Roshei-Yeshivos make, who gets a tuition break and why. When you send me a letter about a poor person sunken in debt, (through no fault of his own) please include a picture of his home, car, and children’s weddings and Bar-Mitzvas. Tell me what pressure you’ve put on politicians not for a few more bucks for a moisad or down-zoning the village but to protect us from terrorists, from the Ahmadinejads, from illegal aliens, from tax hikes, to fix our roads and to lower gas prices. Tell us why a bris costs $600, why thieves, racketeers and owners of prostitution houses sit at the mizrach while honest people are looked down at as “balebatim”, why young kollel avreichim own luxury homes, luxury cars, and fancy “European style” clothing for all children four times a year and you don’t say anything about it. Tell us about the “affordable housing” scams – why an apartment in a complex isn’t cheaper than a farmhouse on two acres? Why is it that the bus-line between New-Square and Sing-Sing is alone enough to keep Exxon-Mobil in business, yet the only mussar that I hear is that my wife’s shaitel must be curtailed, I can’t use the internet, I can’t smoke and I must drive a Japanese car that saves the planet – but not me. I’m sick and tired of hearing how important the “Medine” and the Holy Holiday of “Yom HaAtzmaut” is and that I’m ungrateful for not serving in the IDF, especially from phony rabbis who never fired as much as a cap-gun, let alone serve themselves in that caricature army. How about all those certified private tutors and special-ed therapists filing fraudulent documents to continue cashing in on the government? Why don’t you urge your constituents to join their State Militias? Because that would make too much sense? Since secular education is so dear to some of you, why don’t you urge your business-owning constituents to hire college kids from the community instead of rapists from Guatemala? If you are against ransacking the government, maybe you want to let us know how much a university professor makes? The director of a Homosexual club? (You know, the de-facto non-existing club without which Uncle Sam and David Ford won’t bestow their goodies on you.)

To add insult to injury, it just came to my attention that the Agudah is pressuring politicians in regard with the threat of terrorism on schools; following the government’s decision to beef up security in public schools, religious schools also asked for assistance. Did they ask for security personnel? Security systems? Preparedness and education on preventing attacks and how to respond to an actual attack H”V? The answer, sadly, is no on all counts. They asked for funding.

Dear rabbis and leaders, please stop slinging mud at each other and address the issues. And try to fix them.
Dear rabbis and leaders, please stop pulling the wool over our eyes.
Dear rabbis and leaders, please stop the tremendous Chilul Hashem the problems you ignore cause – the Jew-hating street rabble use them as weapons against all of us.
Dear rabbis and leaders, please face reality and unite.
Dear rabbis and leaders, please call a spade a spade, a ganif a ganif and a fraud a fraud.
Dear rabbis and leaders, please realize that we all know…

…that two plus two is four.

The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway

As much as I’d like to see it, I don’t expect a YU and Agudah reunion this summer. It seems that even the Muslim terrorists and Ahmadinejad cannot unite us. Cynical as it sounds, perhaps what we need is the noose to get just a bit tighter around our necks. After all, when Mahmoud’s ancestor/predecessor accused us –and rightly so- of being “a dispersed and divided nation, who do not keep the commends of the king”, we had to prove him wrong –against our will-, or face extermination. According to the gmora, each mention of “Hamelech” in the Megillah, not followed by “Achashverosh” refers or hints to the Almighty King too. So Haman was actually accusing us of not keeping the king’s commends – including those of our King!

Well, it seems that “ain chodosh tochas hashemesh”– history repeats itself; We’re again dispersed and divided, and we don’t keep the King’s laws. I don’t know since when lying, cheating, blackmailing, swindling and ransacking others, either directly or via government corruption, is muttar, but in the last 30 years I seldom heard any drosha about the subject - Exactly like in the senate! It doesn’t get any better! But fate’s cynical irony, (or ironic cynicism?) made these black clouds of “a dispersed and divided nation” and “not keeping the king’s commends” somewhat silver linings to each other; each group accuses the other of violating this or that halocho or civil law. And unfortunately they’re all mostly right. What they are wrong about is using these sad facts to smear and further alienate each other.
In August 1994, the Jewish Observer published a letter by Rav Moishe Feinstein reinforcing again that all forms of government aid abuse is forbidden. It is quite well known that the gmora often discusses halochos about quasi-impossible situations, and latter commentators stipulate that all halochos are true and have to be learnt as part of the mitzvah of learning Torah, even if they’re only hypothetical. But something tells me that this wasn’t the case with R’ Moishe’s letter. As a matter of fact, I’ve heard (but of course do not believe as fact – only suspect that it might be true) that many US penal institutions offer minyonim in all possible nussachs as well as a plethora of hechsherim to accommodate all degrees of piety and culinary affinity.

R’ Moishe introduces his letter by explaining how good the US has always been to Jews, and violating its laws is, in addition to the prohibition itself, a tremendous ingratitude. After consecrating much thought to the subject, I came to the conclusion that there really are three reasons why one must refrain from breaking the law, be it divine or civil:
a) Because it’s wrong.
b) Because it’s wrong.
c) Because it’s wrong.
It doesn’t get any simpler than that. However, for some reason R' Moishe felt that this reason alone isn't enough. I wonder why a simple psak prohibiting actions involving lies, theft, fraud and cheating needs emphasis beyond the word "ossur". Of course, when all lectures, publications, magazines and all media and communications completely ignore the subject and only push their own agendas, why expect any change? I just can’t understand how any Rav is able to stand on a podium and darshen about the sanctity of the sfiros, the importance of Yom HaAtsmaut or intricate sugyes with a straight face while his community is ridden with problems that threaten its own integrity, and are in outright contrast with its objectives – sometimes known criminals sitting in the audience.

This obsession with concealing our warts and pimples – to use a very cautious euphemism –, coupled with the seclusion oriented mentality, has bred a culture of egocentrism, selfishness and narcissism in groups within groups, each looking only for its own benefits and looking down on the other. The benefit of the communal leaders’ silence caused uncontrolled corruption and absolute disregard to certain aspects of halocha – especially the bein odom lechaveiro part- to bloom undisturbed and reach epidemic proportions. From draining every imaginable form of government aid to hiring illegal immigrants to all fraudulent activities in all possible fields - it’s all here, it’s an open secret, and no one does a thing about it. Of course, the silent opposition – maybe even a majority – has always grumbled about the situation at the back of the shul, over the gmore in middle of seder or on the way to work. But very few took very little action.

True to historic precedent, the hand of G-d manifested itself again - in a gentle yet very ugly form: the so-called “Jewish” “anti-establishment” bloggers. Until a mere few years ago the only place to dig up filth on corruption and crimes in the Jewish community were anti-Semitic (or, in newspeak “white supremacist”) websites. “ירהבו הנער בזקן והנקלה בנכבד – …the youngsters shall mock the elders, and the base [mock] the respectable” warned Isaiah, and sure enough, along came the anonymous bloggers claiming to be rank-and-file members of frum communities. Surrounded by traditionally Orthodox-hating street-rabble, and under claims of true caring and compassion, usurped our failings to drag us and our leaders through the mud. The high command first played deaf, but when the diatribe got so loud and so vile that it reached the secular printed media and couldn’t be ignored anymore, some took real action alongside the ‘official’ lip service. Unfortunately, that action was directed at one single problem, child sexual abuse in schools, which is the gravest, yet also the smallest (quantitatively) of our ailments. It is still a long way to go until fraud, corruption and parasitism as a way of life are eliminated from our communities.
And it won’t happen until a very strong emphasis on honesty, integrity and discipline is injected in our overall education system (i.e. both children and adults’ education).
And that won’t happen until our leaders insist on it.
And they won’t insist on it as long as they’re owned by the rich and corrupt powerful fat-cats.
And the powerful, corrupt, rich fat-cats and politicians will own our leaders as long as we, the Joe Sixpacks crushed under the weight of tuitions, taxes and donations don’t all stand up and scream “enough!”
And we won’t stand up and scream "enough!" as long as we’re obsessed with our comfort, well being and earthly possessions and status.
And we won’t stop being obsessed with the aforementioned as long as we’re afraid of what our neighbor in shul, our kids’ principals, our loudmouths, prospective mechutonim and standard-setters think about us.

Breadfan (Stale Matzo Scam Upd-ate)

Many of you have probably noticed the stale smell and taste of machine shmurah-matzos this year. (B”H I’m more fanatic than that – so the possibility for me to fall victim to such a scam is extremely low.) Some people got really angry about it and decided to get to the bottom of the matter. So far here is what has been found out:

A certain distributor (still unknown) bought up all of last years Haddar and Glick’s matzos after Peasch, at about 4 pennies on the dollar. This year he sold them as fresh matzo. My guess is that he even saved himself the freezing costs. Haddar claims they know nothing – but swear they had nothing to do with it. Unfortunately for them, among their customers –or, more precisely, among the crooked distributor’s customers – were a few top-notch attorneys who got really ….., well angry for their Seder being spoiled in such a way. So now either Haddar spills the beans, or they will have to face Mr. Cuomo Jr.’s wrath – and ambition to prove himself a good anti-capitalist corporation-eater. (Don’t hold your breath though for him to go after child molesters – that’s not glitzy enough). However, all matzo manufacturers will probably be forced to properly code & date their products from now on.

Cholov Yisroel could use a bit of that, and the meivin should yavin.

That’s the story in short, so far. I have a few more details for later – if you know anything, let us hear from you.

Killing Machine

How wonderful are the benefits of Judaism! The restrictions on pork chops, cheeseburgers, cordon bleu and other delicacies, as well as the intricacies of Talmudic hair-splitting, the laws of niddah, shmitah, shaatnez, the wonderful privileges of private education and a myriad of other delightful details –such as the way to tie one’s shoes- are no wonder extremely enthralling to the average Gentile. Nevertheless, it seems that the number of those brutally honest, dedicated and relentless children of foreign nations who are willing to give it all up and devote themselves to the wonders of Yiddishkeit has risen in the past decades.

Only an absolute cynic would dare even insinuate that the hope of marrying a desperate Jewish girl, the boons of Aliyah packages or the influence of certain chemical agents might trump the passionate dedication of such exalted spiritualists. And of course, the mere thought that the trivial few dozen grand that a respected rabbi pockets at the conclusion of the giyyur deal –ooopppss, procedure (sorry, hehe)- may somehow influence anyone to find shelter under the wings of G-d’s almighty presence is but vile slander.
It is absolutely evident that if even a scant fraction of the aforementioned atrocious accusations were true, all of the Agudah’s Rabbis would have already assaulted the suspected with Ak-47’s, M-1 Abrams tanks (Merkavas are treif, we know) and grenade launchers. Unless… well, unless there are some totally ‘kosher’ rabbis involved in the scams. I might be mistaken, but I think that it may not be total heresy to suggest that the Torah, which, so far, even according to the theological acrobats of YCT is of divine source, has said “כִּי הַשֹּׁחַד יְעַוֵּר עֵינֵי חֲכָמִים, וִיסַלֵּף דִּבְרֵי צַדִּיקִם. – bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and falsify the words of the righteous” for a reason.

For the lack of space, and also because I do not have tangible, easy to exhibit proof of their involvement in this widespread scheme, I shall not mention names herein. Suffice to say that there is an extremely powerful rabbi in the Israeli chief rabbinate who can virtually create Jews on an assembly line – given the right price, of course. The reasons for the rise in demand for Jews are numerous and diverse – but believe you me, it is due as much to a sudden rise in worldwide piety as to a sudden soapbar shortage.

Amazingly, no one exploited this outrage to stir a juicy little machloikes and kindle the good old flames of hatred. I’m starting to think that there’s no real scandal unless no one smears the other with it. How else can you explain that a “giyur conference” was held in Jerusalem, with the most respected rabbis attending? The conference was orchestrated by several of these giyur-scoundrels, under the pretext that some giyurs are necessary to ‘save’ mixed-marriage families! Can you believe that great rabbis can actually be bamboozled with such nonsense? Oh, poor Johnny’s parents have to buy him presents for both Christmas and Chanukah! Boo-hoo-hoo! So let’s quickly convert papa Paul or mama Jane to Judaism, and we save the poor family all the burden of all the Christmas gifts to all the children (and the tree, too)! And what about all those dead presidents in the rabbi’s pockets? Well, he’s got to make a living too, no? Can’t live on Kollel pension all his life, can he?

This extreme xenophobia of mine stems not solely from my insatiable thirst of conserving the immaculate purity of the Supreme Jewish Race. Although converts in the past lent priceless contributions to our culture, for the most part they were rather detrimental. The Egyptian geirim repaid Moshe’s kindness with the golden calf, an Amalekite ger killed Shaul Hamelech, and from all the geirim I ever met, barely anyone can be called “normal” by the widest stretch of the word. One of these jewels recently acquired by the priestly kingdom & saintly nation is a pornography actor (no, not a former porn actor; a porn actor), who now calls himself “your moral leader”. His moral leadership consists of bitching about the length of davening on yomim noroim and promoting “Orthodox Jewish” sexual perversion groups. I have absolutely not the slightest iota of a shade of a doubt that the rabbi who was megayer this heap of human manure did not make a single dollar on the deal. The initiator of the giyur was Mr. Dennis Prager, the great Orthodox conservative commentator. Prepare your thank-you cards, please.

The current spectator sport called “giyur” serves many purposes to many folks: in Israel, secular people mingle with the mostly Judenrein Russian and Ethiopian immigrants, and a giyur is necessary for a valid marriage. Even after the hassle of a civil marriage in Cyprus, which is recognized by the beginning of the sprouting of our redemption, the holy State of Israel, doesn’t grant all the goodies that a rabbinate-recognized Jewish marriage affords. Besides, the couple grand a rabbi pockets is the cost of the Cyprian trip, bureaucracy and gratuities. (Yes, even goyim can be corrupt, believe it or not). There are also many desperate Jews, in Israel and abroad, who can’t find a suitable match due to a myriad of reasons; their appearance, intelligence, specks on their pedigree, and the myriad of intricate details involved in orthodox Jewish dating. For these people, a benevolent rabbi will find a mamesh excellent shidduch, with the only drawback being that the candidate is a ger or giyores. Add to this all the less-than-Orthodox people who become involved in relationships with gentiles, but their fervent piety -and sometimes grandma- won’t let them marry “just a goy”. A quick trip to the ATM and then to the rabbi does the trick.

But why would anyone protest when it’s a win-win situation for all: the happy rabbi happily pockets the pork and the happy pork marries a brand-new happy Jew/esse. And of course, why scare the public with reports of terrorists trying to kidnap or blow up school buses, veiled women voting in Canada, and judges thwarting the protection of children from internet porn (whoever has internet access should just blame himself), if there can be a juicy feud by exploiting evolutionary books, sheitels and child-molesting scandals.

“Ta-ta, ta-ta-na-na-na-na-na-na na-nannana
Money for nothing and Jews for free…”

Theatre Of Pain

Many a time, our leaders and rabbis are accused of being detached from their 'constituency', or even reality. Although this might well be true about some rabbis and some realities, many recent psakim, messages and declarations indicate to the opposite. There must be someone feeding them some information he wants them to be aware of.

If certain authorities are able to release decisions about banning or recommending the same books, global warming, wigs, tobacco use, internet ban or 'safe usage guidelines' and so on and so forth, they sure must be aware of other things happening around them.

Yet it appears that unlike leaders of previous generations, our sages seem to ignore the needs of the communities they ought to lead. Either that, or they chose not to see the obvious. When the same authority advocates the use of more fuel-efficient vehicles (to their credit, they did mention dependency on Arab oil besides environmental concerns) and bans tobacco use because of the danger involved, you know something is wrong.* And when rabbinical organizations condemn the sick clowns who join Ahmadinejad's Disaster denial convention, but remain silent on Ahmadinejad himself, his dangerous influence on the Moslem population in the US and EU, and continue their routinely government-schnorring of a few more peanut butter jars for their mosdos, you know that something is very wrong.

Time and again, the ostrich syndrome seems to overtake any and all aspects of authentic Judaism. Our very survival is again threatened, and instead of doing something about it, our leaders are silent.


Before Gerush Sfarad (Spanish expulsion) the Jews were notified about their expulsion a year in advance(although the actual decree was not issued until four months prior to the expulsion). The few who heeded the warning fled, with their possessions, before the actual expulsion took place. But on Tisha’ Beav 1492, all Jews were caught totally unprepared, many were killed, their possessions confiscated, and forced out of the country by force. Although the events preceding the Shoah should be dealt with delicately, arguably, the Jews of that time could have seen the writing on the wall. There were anti-Jewish laws, anti-Jewish riots, and the way in which the wind blew is now, in hindsight, evident, but even back then wasn’t unlikely. As a matter of fact, some actually fled in time to save their skin and some minimal possessions.

We are again witnessing a madman run amok surrounded by weaklings unwilling to challenge him, while he’s getting dressed to kill. There is of course a plethora of ways to deal with this threat, to begin with raising awareness for the severity of the situation to organize public davening and repentance days, to political activism. Rabbinical figures who exert control over communities large enough to be taken seriously by state senators and local politicians should of course do everything in their power to influence the government to protect its citizens. Unfortunately the situation is so bad that not only the government doesn’t care about its citizens, but the citizens themselves refuse to realize the gravity of the situation. Of course, putting ideological disagreements and the feuds of yore behind them is out of the question, even in times of pikuach nefesh. So as long as you are a faithful believer, abide by every ruling of your rabbis, and are convinced that every ruling of their rabbis is ridiculous insanity, fear no evil – for your throat is forever safe from Achmed’s knife!

The beautiful images of the peaceful devouts of the Religion Of Peace shown in the pictures marched on London about a month ago. Rest reassured that every single Rabbi in the UK and worldwide did his utmost best to condemn this march, beef up security, convince the government to crack down on Islamic extremists and throw out all immigrants.








* The smoking ban is of course based on the command “ונשמרתם לנפשתכ מאד – you shall preserve your souls” and the prohibition to endanger oneself. The psak to reduce emissions to prevent global warming (now being debunked by leading scientists) require first and foremost to strip automobiles of their weight – which also strips them from all their security and stability. What protects the driver in an automobile is the car’s frame and the body. Air bags can ease a boo-boo, not prevent bones from being smashed by another automobile.

?yadoT elimS nevE t'naC I fI worromoT hguaL I lliW woH

Instead of a Purim-Toirah, I hereby present some anecdotes that either happened to me or I had the pleasure to witness, during my long and turbulent life. (Occasional embellishment added when necessary) Life is just better than the best comic skits. A freilichen purim to all!

Bitul-Torah
Why was the siddur in my hand rather than in a bag I can’t recall anymore, but when I realized that mistake it was already too late. Before I even had a chance to ask the fare to Jerusalem, the cab driver had ripped the siddur Vilna out of my hand, and was ecstatically yelling “Walla*! The ADMO”R of Vilna! That’s incredible! Do you realize?! Do you realize who the ADMO”R of Vilna was? He had 17 minutes of bitul-Torah in his whole life!!! Se-ve-n-teeeeeeeeeeeeeen minutes!!! – That’s incredible!” He stressed every letter of ‚seventeen’. Before I could open my mouth, he had already ran over to his colleague, who was nonchalantly smoking a cigarette on a bench. “Moshe! Walla, Moshe! Did you ever hear of the ADMO”R of Vilna? He had seventeen minutes of bitul-torah in his life! Can you believe it, se-ve-n-teeeeeeeen!” Moshe didn’t look too impressed: „So what? I have much more than that.”

*Walla – (Arabic) the most common exclamation in Israel. May be used to express joy, sadness, pain, pleasure, anger, happiness and anything in between. (Certain rabbis forbid the use of this word, as literally, it means [I swear] by G-d).


Is it raining?
I had to stay in Amsterdam for some time, and got an apartment about three times bigger than I actually needed. The kind Yidden of Amsterdam selflessly relinquished their zchus of hachnosas orchim in my favor on a regular basis. One evening at Mayriv I noticed this guy talking to two Yerushalmim and pointing at me. I knew that he was telling them that I was the kindest person on earth and such things (there is a heter to lie for the sake of peace), and I also knew who would be my guests for the night. After a dinner over Jerusalmite memories and anecdotes, we went to sleep – the guests downstairs, my fresh family and myself upstairs.
I woke up to a peculiar and loud noise. While I was trying to figure out whether a BMW drove up to the top floor or the city was being bombarded, I noticed that it was raining. Not only outside, but inside the house as well. No, not just an ordinary leak dripping from the ceiling – bona fide rain, heavy rain, inside the house. (We later found out that the roof was being renovated –read: missing-, and on top of that a water pipe broke. The leak went through all the floors and caused major damages, down ‘till the ground floor.) My first reaction was to dash to my baby’s crib to check if she was allright. Once that was covered, I went to see downstairs. Same rain all over. And then I saw something I shall never forget: the two Yerushalmis were sitting at the kitchen table with their hats and hat-covers on, calmly drinking coffee, smoking and schmoozing as if nothing had happened. They would throw curious glances at ceiling at regular intervals, and just kept enjoying the Amsterdam weather in the greatest possible tranquility. When they saw me, they asked in chorus –in the world’s most casual tone “?עס רעגענט אייביק אזוי – Does it always rain like that?”


Definition of Judaism
“Of course I Jewish! I have menoooooorah, I have mezzzzzuuuuzah, I have ‘dotter’ learn in ulpan in Tel-Aviv! Of course I Jewish!” (This was the lady from the ground floor whose newly installed six inch deep carpet got ruined in the rain from the previous story, when I asked her if she was Jewish, upon noticing the mezuzah.)


Definition of Orthodox
“You mucho oftodox. I know. You mucho, mucho oftodox. I know dat. Cos you have dis” (shaking the corner of my jacket) “I see you do dis fo’ yo’ G-d” (mimicking shockeling) “You mucho oftodox.” (A Chinese chef on how he discovered my doxy.)


Definition of Orthodox II
“I am Orthodox. Tefilin I don’t have…” A distant relative, about his piety.


Bang!
Milk and chocolate milk in Israel are packaged in plastic bags. The Israeli kids have an ancient tradition of blowing up their emptied shoko bags and stomping on then, making a loud “bang”. So naturally, when Avi spotted an empty shoko, all blown up, lying in the school corridior, he did not miss the opportunity – running from the end of the corridor, he gave it his mightiest stomp ever. But he got more than he expected: the walls, floors and his clothes were all covered in spoiled chocolate milk, while a bunch of kids were laughing their innards off at their prank.

Kashrus alert
The family was gathered around the table, and as the mother put the steaming chicken soup down, a large kitchen utensil fell into the pot. After the walls and participants were all splashed with soup and jumping around, and the commotion began clibing down its climax, the youngest kid, a somewhat absent minded, dreamer type boy of about 5 looked up and asked in vivid surprise “What?! What happened?! It was milchig?”


Archaic
An American girl boarded an Egged bus in Jerusalem, asking the driver “כמה ממון? Kama mamon?”. Without missing a beat, the driver snapped “תרי זוזי - Trei zuzei!”*.
*the term ‘mamon’ (currency, finance) is totally out of place and archaic-sounding in this context. The ‘zuz’ was a coin in ancient Israel and Babel.)

Convincing Argument
A Jamaican guy was trying to convince an American guy that reggae music is far superior to rock’n’roll. He had a rock solid argument: “Rock just goes tananana, tananana, tananana, but reggae,” -ah, that’s so much more subtle- “goes Boom-boom bamm-bamm, boom-boom bamm-bamm”.

The Ascention
A known Chabad-hater who’d never miss an opportunity to take a stab at Lubavitchers, surprised us when he stated during a conversation that turned to Chabad: “It’s really a pity the the Rebbe didn’t have children”. A silence fell as we all gave him inquiring looks, because that by far wasn’t a nasty enough comment. So, with the typical thumb-motion and niggun of a good yeshivisha teiretz, he explained: “Since the Rebbe was God, his son would have been the Son Of God. Then the Chabadskers would have left us alone and gone to screw the Catholics’ minds!”


Pretty woman
A Haredi guy was sitting on the bus, and the only vacant seat left was next to his. A frei couple boarded the bus, but couldn’t sit next to each other as they wished. Then they started whispering among themselves, and the girl sat down next to the frum guy. Disappointed at the failure of his stratagem, the boyfriend asked his sweetheart’s neighbor “Doesn’t the Torah forbid a man sitting next to a woman?” “Yes” came the answer from the astute Yeshiva bocher “but that only applies to a pretty woman!”


Critical thinking
This soliloquy was delivered to me in the "shababnik" (“bum”, dropout, good-for-nothing) section of a Hassidishe shul, of which I was a founding member.
-These Hassidim, they are bums, mamesh bums. They are boors and amei-ha’arets. They know nothing. Nothing but picking their noses, fressing kugel and wiping their greasy hands in their bekitshes. And those Rebbes are opportunistic fat slobs. Have you ever seen a thin Rebbe? Never. Corrupt ganefs, every last one of them. OK, you’ve got a few exceptions, like Phillip and Stein, but the vast majority are ignoramuses. Ignoramuses, mamesh ignoramuses. No Yiddishkeit, no goyishkeit. Just like the Mizrachnikes – they made up their own version of Yiddishkeit, and made a circus of it, these clowns. Can’t read a blatt gemore, distort all poskim, they only read those bubbeh-maises in hassidishe sforim. They sleep late, daven late…. (After eight more minutes of this I asked him why hadn’t he gone davening in the Litvisha shul across the street – the shul in which we both ‘officially’ belong)
- I woke up late. Also, I can’t stand those Yeshivish people. They’re snobs, snobs, every last one of them. They’re the most evil people on earth. Lucky they don’t have any money. If the Litvaks had any money, they’d destroy the whole world… (After a few more minutes of this it was time for mussaf, so I was saved. This was the same guy from the bus in the previous story.)


Growth hormone
-Itzik!
-Yes commander!
-Why didn’t you shave?
-Nothing grew, commander!
-So why is your face all covered with “spikes”?
-That grew yesterday, commander!


Not a racist
My wife was telling me that she called at work, but it took that stupid schwartze half an hour to tell her that I was gone already. (As I wasn’t there they called a guy whose last name is Joseph). I told her that he isn’t a schwartze but Indian. “Oh, he’s such a nice guy!”

Polygamy
-Yossi! A whole day you’re sitting on the computer! It became your second wife!
-Chas v’sholem! It’s my first wife!


Original
“Of course all languages come from Hebrew! That’s evident!” yammered the cab driver to the linguist, who realized all too late that you simply don’t argue with an Israeli cabbie. “There are plenty proofs. Do you know how they say “egzoz” (the "official" Hebrew for exhaust pipe) in English? – Egzozt!”


Porky
“So what does this drunkard Noach do, first thing coming out of the arch? He plants a grapevine and gets stoned. Then his son Ham sodomizes him. So Ham got a curse to become a schwartze and a slave forever, and now all of humanity has to suffer. And ever since, the Jews don’t eat pork, because of this Ham” (A gentile chef with special affinity for medrashei chazal and racial equality)


Profession
The desperate teacher again admonishing the worst kid in class “What will be of you, Kobi? You never listen, you flunk all tests, your parents have to be called to Yeshiva every other day, you didn’t learn one word the whole year! What will become of you? What do you want to be? A chaver Knesset?”


Dead prank
A husband decided to pull the ultimate prank on his wife: he’d make believe that he committed suicide! So he staged a state of the art mock-hanging in his living room, tying a rope around his waist, concealed under his clothing, and the mock-rope around his neck. However, he was the one surprised when the maid came in, and, unimpressed by her employer’s tragic fate, started stealing the valuables around the house. Unable to climb down fast enough, all the poor guy could do was give a light kick in her rear-bumper when she walked by. She got a heart attack and dropped dead.

Live prank
This guy stayed home one day, and decided to fix a few things around the house. The fridge needed some more professional attention, so he called a technician. As the cooling expert was kneeling with his head in the refrigerator, Mrs. Came home. Not knowing that there was a stranger in the house, she slapped her “husband” on the buttocks. The startled techie gave a sudden jerk, which resulted in a powerful head-knock on the fridge’s top. When the medics heard the story, they laughed so hard the poor lad fell off the stretcher and broke an arm.


Water to wine
-Hello, the water company here
-Yes?
-We’re working in the area, can you please do me a favor? Just open the tap and let me know what happens? Thank you so much.
-There’s water running
-Did you expect Coke, you moron?
(a young kid’s favorite prank call)


Wet dream
I was sautéing some vegetables in a skillet, and as I gave a little too strong shake, some oil splashed out. A drop landed on my thigh, and that really hurt. Startled, I jumped backwards, realizing that I was lying on my folding bed in the tent. I had fallen asleep with a cigarette in my hand, and it burned a hole in my pants and touched my leg. A guy who witnessed the incident (and didn’t wake me up, just to watch the fun!) remarked, “Now that's what I call a real wet dream!” (“Wet” as in “Wet training” refers to training exercises with live ammo.)


WomanA lady was davening in a corner of the workplace corridor. A frum employee pointed out to the security guard that she was turned in the wrong direction. He just made a dismissive hand motion saying “אשה– woman”

© Joseph Izrael 2007

Guns'N'Moses

Just a few weeks short of 2366 years ago, Mordechai the Jew sealed a royal decree addressed to all Jews in the Persian Empire: they are to arm and defend themselves against their attackers, who in turn are required by a previous decree to annihilate and exterminate all of them. A miracle happened, and the Persian Jews did not start questioning and ridiculing the decree as insane and extremist. The bloggers of the time did not start making fun of rabbis, claiming that the evil Mordechai was manipulating the senile king in order to maximize the profits of his cousin Ezra HaSofer – CEO of Schmitd Ben Wessonstein, Persia’s largest rifle manufacturer. It seems that at that time, even the leitsanei hador understood that Buschashverosh gave Hamadinejad a free hand to eradicate them for good. Seemingly, the bleeding hearts didn’t claim that Mordechai was a warmonger trying to cash in on a drunkard’s boastings.

The Yidden at the time diligently went to the blacksmiths and gunsmiths to pick up arms and shields, and were getting ready to kill or be killed. No, they did not transgress the prohibition of “ מרידה באומות– rebellion against the nations”. They heeded Mordechai’s orders after fasting, repenting and davening for quite a while. And another miracle happened – they defeated all of their enemies, so much so that not one Jew had fallen.

2298 years later, a different empire banned Jews from all positions in firearm manufacturing and trading professions, and later barred Jews from bearing or owning any firearms. These were two laws in a long series of anti-Jewish racial laws. We all know what followed, and the memories of the gas chambers, incinerators and torture death camps became forever engraved in the Jewish memory. They are painful and depressing memories, but we must face them. Not only for the memory of the deceased and the commemoration of History’s biggest genocide, but first and foremost to draw the right lessons for our future. Unfortunately, now as then, all too many Jews feel so safe and secure amid the world’s turbulent incertitude – masked only by our addiction to unprecedented wealth and well-being – that they completely forget that the story of Purim is still a valid lesson, a fate’s warning, rather than just the commemoration of distant events.

The Constitution of the United States of America grants us all the right to keep and bear arms. Although in the states hosting the largest Jewish communities, the “bearing” part of this right is more theoretical than practical, so far even the most rabid left-wing extremists can only dream of stripping the citizens from owning rifles. All too many in our communities are simply oblivious to both the importance of the matter as well as to the accessibility of firearms. A used AR type rifle in great condition can be obtained for under $700, including paperwork. Handguns have more bureaucracy wrought around them, but are not inaccessible.

What people need to understand is that the Founding Fathers embedded in the Constitution the right to bear arms and to organize militias because of governments and rogue elements in any human society are unpredictable and cannot be trusted. Firearms handling and safety can be fairly easily and quickly learned by most anyone, from young children to elderly people, and require no specific physical strength or abilities. Furthermore, regular yet not excessively frequent training can instill a strong sense of responsibility, integrity and discipline in most users. In fact, shooting sports might be easily incorporated in frum summer camps or programs dealing with problematic youth (obviously not for kids who are already experimenting with drugs or alcohol – I’d say for not yet “at risk”) for little or no cost. The national 4-H youth program has an impressive shooting department within it. Of course, introducing a firearm in a large family’s home needs extra caution, but is in no way impossible.

If nothing else, the fact that our rabbis do not mandate guns should make you buy one! So this year on Ta’anis Esther take a few moments to think about what was the original cause of this fast day, and whether a little extra caution and preparedness is worth the investment.

Oh, just one more thing – on Purim don’t forget to lock up the gun before you get loaded!

PS –

If it seems to anyone that this post in any way insinuates support for Zionism and its state, or to reject the principles of bitochon – it is not the case. However, just as even the biggest Satmar buys a car to get to work rather than relying on G-d to supply him with a free flying carpet (sha’atnez free) or split the Ramapo river for him, and the greatest masmid in Lakewood applies for food stamps, Medicaid and HUD sec. 8 to support his selfless toils to grow in Torah, Yira’s Shomayim and honesty, so too we might be better off being prepared for the slight possibility of G-d not miraculously rescuing us from our dear Arab and Liberal friends.

PPS –

For those on the far-far-left wing of ultra-open super-modern Orthodoxy: wouldn’t it worth it to be prepared for just in case, that maybe, perhaps, efsher, ken zayn, ulai, the crazy evil fanatics like Rush Limbaugh, Rav Yisroel Belsky or myself would decide to assault you?

Abominog (מחאה נמרצת)

מחאה נמרצת
נבלה נעשתה בישראל

I call on any and all Rabbis, influential leaders, batei-din etc. to vehemently condemn and protest the abomination committed last week in Teaneck, NJ. (Two “Orthodox Jews” formed a sodomite civil union)

This action must be decried and condemned even more harshly than those of the buffoons who visited the Hitler of the Middle-East (Ahmadinejad) and the Conservative “rabbis” ignoble decision to permit sodomite behavior.

An official Cherem must be pronounced, especially by the rabbis of Teaneck, NJ, and everything must be done so that no Orthodox shul may tolerate them in its midst. And any shul that should give them shelter be pronounced non-orthodox and excluded from all orthodox organizations, and shul officials lose their positions in those organizations.

May the curse of the house of Eli befall on all who remain silent on this abomination.
"...למה לי רב זבחיכם"

For those feeble-minded, misguided, brainwashed or whose souls are otherwise too polluted to understand why these events are worse than cover-up of child molestation or paying honor to a terrorist, here’s a short outline:

· Rabbis and the Rabbinical establishment being silent on the two despicable sodomites masquerading as orthodox Jews and having their pictures spread all over the printed and cyber medias, not only give the impression of condoning or not caring about such behavior – but agreeing that it is accordance with the heilige Torah. (Despite any previous protest aginst the Conservative ‘psak’ or such behavior)

· The clowns who visit Ahmadinejad claim that they appease him and try to prevent him from harming Jews; child-molesters and their alleged protectors deny the evil they do. But the sodomite maggots openly promote their abominable deviances, ‘בריש גלי’, as “Orthodox Jews".

· The Torah and its laws are eternal, irrevocable, and unalterable. Distortion and defilement of the Torah and its laws doesn’t necessarily happen through reinterpretation or repelling of those laws: when the Law is blatantly transgressed and ridiculed while the Judges passively look on, it is equally a sullying of G-d’s honor. In other words, it’s as if a grocery sells obvious chazer with a hechsher, and the Rabbis who know it take no action.


PS.
It has come to my attention that a despicable, cowardly blogger promoting this tragic event and jubilating over it calls a certain respectable Rav a “friend of the blog”. I very strongly advise that Rav to distance himself from this depraved individual, lest all his work and ideas are dismissed.

Assassimilation

A recent survey shows that there are actually more Jews living in the States than we actually thought. Great news indeed! Unfortunately, the survey includes “people who think of themselves as Jews, ethnically”, and children of one Jewish parent. So according to this study, assimilation isn’t as big a deal as some of us may think. Well, until a few more generations, when the descendents won’t remember their grandparents’ Jewish origins.

Stopping assimilation and intermarriage overnight is probably unlikely, but many would like to slow the tide as much as possible. However, if this is done for the sake of sentimental nostalgia, and loosely defines Jews on ethno-folkloristic basis, it doesn’t lead any further than the aforementioned survey. The preservation of a nation must have at least a meaningful coherence and maintain its integrity. Which of course necessitates a definition tighter than “grandma used to bake kugel”.

Assimilation today is a rather slow process, each generation distancing itself from its origins until it merges with the surrounding nations. The first step in stopping the tide is obviously maintaining the Orthodox population, as well as reaching out to secular Jews who aren’t yet assimilated. Meddling with intermarried couples results in faulty and false giyurs that only increase the problem.

The argument that a more ‘open’ approach would result in maintaining a broader spectrum of people identified with Judaism, even if only on a folkloric basis, averred to be mistaken: according to a recent Mishpacha article, the intermarriage rate among Reform and Conservatives is triple that of unaffiliated secular Jews! Sadly, the ‘drop out’ (from Orthodoxy) rate is highest within Modern Orthodoxy. (Based on educators and laymen’s estimates, in absence of ‘scientific’ data.)

The Zionist dream of a non-Jewish Jewish state, wherein the nation would be defined by not being Jewish and be proud Israelis, averred being a fata morgana too. Ethiopian and Russian immigrants of dubious origins were imported to the country by hundreds of thousands for the sake of breaking down the society’s still strongly traditional makeup.
Our good friends who indulge in compulsive haredi and ortho-bashing don’t achieve much more than offering an excuse to drop out or for secular people to stay the way they are.

The main focus then should be on preventing dropping out as much as possible, to help stabilize the dropouts, and sensible kiruv. By ‘sensible’ I mean coming to the sad realization that certain sectors better be left alone: completely assimilated and intermarried people should be in our prayers, but the energy and resources for de-facto kiruv would benefit from being geared towards more likely targets. As has been recently suggested, collaboration between different orthodox factions may yield positive results – and in my opinion all the more so with ‘off the derech’ and ‘at risk’ kids. Instead of insisting on keeping them in our party enclaves, rather bring them closer to Judaism, period.

Perhaps a more unified and harmonious Judaism would be more appealing to those on the outside, without having to break down the protective walls of separation.

Sweet Child O'Mine

This Shabbos (and motzai Shabbos) we celebrated our family’s newest addition’s birthday.

This shall provide you with a living, scientific proof that acquired traits are very much hereditary. Nix evolution.

Computer addict; like father, like daughter.

The sweet tooth for booze starts at an early age. What will it be tonite – Budvár, Smíchov, Pilsen, Löwenbrau?

Some more images to come. Yup, I'm still using analog.