Breadfan (Stale Matzo Scam Upd-ate)

Many of you have probably noticed the stale smell and taste of machine shmurah-matzos this year. (B”H I’m more fanatic than that – so the possibility for me to fall victim to such a scam is extremely low.) Some people got really angry about it and decided to get to the bottom of the matter. So far here is what has been found out:

A certain distributor (still unknown) bought up all of last years Haddar and Glick’s matzos after Peasch, at about 4 pennies on the dollar. This year he sold them as fresh matzo. My guess is that he even saved himself the freezing costs. Haddar claims they know nothing – but swear they had nothing to do with it. Unfortunately for them, among their customers –or, more precisely, among the crooked distributor’s customers – were a few top-notch attorneys who got really ….., well angry for their Seder being spoiled in such a way. So now either Haddar spills the beans, or they will have to face Mr. Cuomo Jr.’s wrath – and ambition to prove himself a good anti-capitalist corporation-eater. (Don’t hold your breath though for him to go after child molesters – that’s not glitzy enough). However, all matzo manufacturers will probably be forced to properly code & date their products from now on.

Cholov Yisroel could use a bit of that, and the meivin should yavin.

That’s the story in short, so far. I have a few more details for later – if you know anything, let us hear from you.

Killing Machine

How wonderful are the benefits of Judaism! The restrictions on pork chops, cheeseburgers, cordon bleu and other delicacies, as well as the intricacies of Talmudic hair-splitting, the laws of niddah, shmitah, shaatnez, the wonderful privileges of private education and a myriad of other delightful details –such as the way to tie one’s shoes- are no wonder extremely enthralling to the average Gentile. Nevertheless, it seems that the number of those brutally honest, dedicated and relentless children of foreign nations who are willing to give it all up and devote themselves to the wonders of Yiddishkeit has risen in the past decades.

Only an absolute cynic would dare even insinuate that the hope of marrying a desperate Jewish girl, the boons of Aliyah packages or the influence of certain chemical agents might trump the passionate dedication of such exalted spiritualists. And of course, the mere thought that the trivial few dozen grand that a respected rabbi pockets at the conclusion of the giyyur deal –ooopppss, procedure (sorry, hehe)- may somehow influence anyone to find shelter under the wings of G-d’s almighty presence is but vile slander.
It is absolutely evident that if even a scant fraction of the aforementioned atrocious accusations were true, all of the Agudah’s Rabbis would have already assaulted the suspected with Ak-47’s, M-1 Abrams tanks (Merkavas are treif, we know) and grenade launchers. Unless… well, unless there are some totally ‘kosher’ rabbis involved in the scams. I might be mistaken, but I think that it may not be total heresy to suggest that the Torah, which, so far, even according to the theological acrobats of YCT is of divine source, has said “כִּי הַשֹּׁחַד יְעַוֵּר עֵינֵי חֲכָמִים, וִיסַלֵּף דִּבְרֵי צַדִּיקִם. – bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and falsify the words of the righteous” for a reason.

For the lack of space, and also because I do not have tangible, easy to exhibit proof of their involvement in this widespread scheme, I shall not mention names herein. Suffice to say that there is an extremely powerful rabbi in the Israeli chief rabbinate who can virtually create Jews on an assembly line – given the right price, of course. The reasons for the rise in demand for Jews are numerous and diverse – but believe you me, it is due as much to a sudden rise in worldwide piety as to a sudden soapbar shortage.

Amazingly, no one exploited this outrage to stir a juicy little machloikes and kindle the good old flames of hatred. I’m starting to think that there’s no real scandal unless no one smears the other with it. How else can you explain that a “giyur conference” was held in Jerusalem, with the most respected rabbis attending? The conference was orchestrated by several of these giyur-scoundrels, under the pretext that some giyurs are necessary to ‘save’ mixed-marriage families! Can you believe that great rabbis can actually be bamboozled with such nonsense? Oh, poor Johnny’s parents have to buy him presents for both Christmas and Chanukah! Boo-hoo-hoo! So let’s quickly convert papa Paul or mama Jane to Judaism, and we save the poor family all the burden of all the Christmas gifts to all the children (and the tree, too)! And what about all those dead presidents in the rabbi’s pockets? Well, he’s got to make a living too, no? Can’t live on Kollel pension all his life, can he?

This extreme xenophobia of mine stems not solely from my insatiable thirst of conserving the immaculate purity of the Supreme Jewish Race. Although converts in the past lent priceless contributions to our culture, for the most part they were rather detrimental. The Egyptian geirim repaid Moshe’s kindness with the golden calf, an Amalekite ger killed Shaul Hamelech, and from all the geirim I ever met, barely anyone can be called “normal” by the widest stretch of the word. One of these jewels recently acquired by the priestly kingdom & saintly nation is a pornography actor (no, not a former porn actor; a porn actor), who now calls himself “your moral leader”. His moral leadership consists of bitching about the length of davening on yomim noroim and promoting “Orthodox Jewish” sexual perversion groups. I have absolutely not the slightest iota of a shade of a doubt that the rabbi who was megayer this heap of human manure did not make a single dollar on the deal. The initiator of the giyur was Mr. Dennis Prager, the great Orthodox conservative commentator. Prepare your thank-you cards, please.

The current spectator sport called “giyur” serves many purposes to many folks: in Israel, secular people mingle with the mostly Judenrein Russian and Ethiopian immigrants, and a giyur is necessary for a valid marriage. Even after the hassle of a civil marriage in Cyprus, which is recognized by the beginning of the sprouting of our redemption, the holy State of Israel, doesn’t grant all the goodies that a rabbinate-recognized Jewish marriage affords. Besides, the couple grand a rabbi pockets is the cost of the Cyprian trip, bureaucracy and gratuities. (Yes, even goyim can be corrupt, believe it or not). There are also many desperate Jews, in Israel and abroad, who can’t find a suitable match due to a myriad of reasons; their appearance, intelligence, specks on their pedigree, and the myriad of intricate details involved in orthodox Jewish dating. For these people, a benevolent rabbi will find a mamesh excellent shidduch, with the only drawback being that the candidate is a ger or giyores. Add to this all the less-than-Orthodox people who become involved in relationships with gentiles, but their fervent piety -and sometimes grandma- won’t let them marry “just a goy”. A quick trip to the ATM and then to the rabbi does the trick.

But why would anyone protest when it’s a win-win situation for all: the happy rabbi happily pockets the pork and the happy pork marries a brand-new happy Jew/esse. And of course, why scare the public with reports of terrorists trying to kidnap or blow up school buses, veiled women voting in Canada, and judges thwarting the protection of children from internet porn (whoever has internet access should just blame himself), if there can be a juicy feud by exploiting evolutionary books, sheitels and child-molesting scandals.

“Ta-ta, ta-ta-na-na-na-na-na-na na-nannana
Money for nothing and Jews for free…”

Theatre Of Pain

Many a time, our leaders and rabbis are accused of being detached from their 'constituency', or even reality. Although this might well be true about some rabbis and some realities, many recent psakim, messages and declarations indicate to the opposite. There must be someone feeding them some information he wants them to be aware of.

If certain authorities are able to release decisions about banning or recommending the same books, global warming, wigs, tobacco use, internet ban or 'safe usage guidelines' and so on and so forth, they sure must be aware of other things happening around them.

Yet it appears that unlike leaders of previous generations, our sages seem to ignore the needs of the communities they ought to lead. Either that, or they chose not to see the obvious. When the same authority advocates the use of more fuel-efficient vehicles (to their credit, they did mention dependency on Arab oil besides environmental concerns) and bans tobacco use because of the danger involved, you know something is wrong.* And when rabbinical organizations condemn the sick clowns who join Ahmadinejad's Disaster denial convention, but remain silent on Ahmadinejad himself, his dangerous influence on the Moslem population in the US and EU, and continue their routinely government-schnorring of a few more peanut butter jars for their mosdos, you know that something is very wrong.

Time and again, the ostrich syndrome seems to overtake any and all aspects of authentic Judaism. Our very survival is again threatened, and instead of doing something about it, our leaders are silent.


Before Gerush Sfarad (Spanish expulsion) the Jews were notified about their expulsion a year in advance(although the actual decree was not issued until four months prior to the expulsion). The few who heeded the warning fled, with their possessions, before the actual expulsion took place. But on Tisha’ Beav 1492, all Jews were caught totally unprepared, many were killed, their possessions confiscated, and forced out of the country by force. Although the events preceding the Shoah should be dealt with delicately, arguably, the Jews of that time could have seen the writing on the wall. There were anti-Jewish laws, anti-Jewish riots, and the way in which the wind blew is now, in hindsight, evident, but even back then wasn’t unlikely. As a matter of fact, some actually fled in time to save their skin and some minimal possessions.

We are again witnessing a madman run amok surrounded by weaklings unwilling to challenge him, while he’s getting dressed to kill. There is of course a plethora of ways to deal with this threat, to begin with raising awareness for the severity of the situation to organize public davening and repentance days, to political activism. Rabbinical figures who exert control over communities large enough to be taken seriously by state senators and local politicians should of course do everything in their power to influence the government to protect its citizens. Unfortunately the situation is so bad that not only the government doesn’t care about its citizens, but the citizens themselves refuse to realize the gravity of the situation. Of course, putting ideological disagreements and the feuds of yore behind them is out of the question, even in times of pikuach nefesh. So as long as you are a faithful believer, abide by every ruling of your rabbis, and are convinced that every ruling of their rabbis is ridiculous insanity, fear no evil – for your throat is forever safe from Achmed’s knife!

The beautiful images of the peaceful devouts of the Religion Of Peace shown in the pictures marched on London about a month ago. Rest reassured that every single Rabbi in the UK and worldwide did his utmost best to condemn this march, beef up security, convince the government to crack down on Islamic extremists and throw out all immigrants.








* The smoking ban is of course based on the command “ונשמרתם לנפשתכ מאד – you shall preserve your souls” and the prohibition to endanger oneself. The psak to reduce emissions to prevent global warming (now being debunked by leading scientists) require first and foremost to strip automobiles of their weight – which also strips them from all their security and stability. What protects the driver in an automobile is the car’s frame and the body. Air bags can ease a boo-boo, not prevent bones from being smashed by another automobile.

?yadoT elimS nevE t'naC I fI worromoT hguaL I lliW woH

Instead of a Purim-Toirah, I hereby present some anecdotes that either happened to me or I had the pleasure to witness, during my long and turbulent life. (Occasional embellishment added when necessary) Life is just better than the best comic skits. A freilichen purim to all!

Bitul-Torah
Why was the siddur in my hand rather than in a bag I can’t recall anymore, but when I realized that mistake it was already too late. Before I even had a chance to ask the fare to Jerusalem, the cab driver had ripped the siddur Vilna out of my hand, and was ecstatically yelling “Walla*! The ADMO”R of Vilna! That’s incredible! Do you realize?! Do you realize who the ADMO”R of Vilna was? He had 17 minutes of bitul-Torah in his whole life!!! Se-ve-n-teeeeeeeeeeeeeen minutes!!! – That’s incredible!” He stressed every letter of ‚seventeen’. Before I could open my mouth, he had already ran over to his colleague, who was nonchalantly smoking a cigarette on a bench. “Moshe! Walla, Moshe! Did you ever hear of the ADMO”R of Vilna? He had seventeen minutes of bitul-torah in his life! Can you believe it, se-ve-n-teeeeeeeen!” Moshe didn’t look too impressed: „So what? I have much more than that.”

*Walla – (Arabic) the most common exclamation in Israel. May be used to express joy, sadness, pain, pleasure, anger, happiness and anything in between. (Certain rabbis forbid the use of this word, as literally, it means [I swear] by G-d).


Is it raining?
I had to stay in Amsterdam for some time, and got an apartment about three times bigger than I actually needed. The kind Yidden of Amsterdam selflessly relinquished their zchus of hachnosas orchim in my favor on a regular basis. One evening at Mayriv I noticed this guy talking to two Yerushalmim and pointing at me. I knew that he was telling them that I was the kindest person on earth and such things (there is a heter to lie for the sake of peace), and I also knew who would be my guests for the night. After a dinner over Jerusalmite memories and anecdotes, we went to sleep – the guests downstairs, my fresh family and myself upstairs.
I woke up to a peculiar and loud noise. While I was trying to figure out whether a BMW drove up to the top floor or the city was being bombarded, I noticed that it was raining. Not only outside, but inside the house as well. No, not just an ordinary leak dripping from the ceiling – bona fide rain, heavy rain, inside the house. (We later found out that the roof was being renovated –read: missing-, and on top of that a water pipe broke. The leak went through all the floors and caused major damages, down ‘till the ground floor.) My first reaction was to dash to my baby’s crib to check if she was allright. Once that was covered, I went to see downstairs. Same rain all over. And then I saw something I shall never forget: the two Yerushalmis were sitting at the kitchen table with their hats and hat-covers on, calmly drinking coffee, smoking and schmoozing as if nothing had happened. They would throw curious glances at ceiling at regular intervals, and just kept enjoying the Amsterdam weather in the greatest possible tranquility. When they saw me, they asked in chorus –in the world’s most casual tone “?עס רעגענט אייביק אזוי – Does it always rain like that?”


Definition of Judaism
“Of course I Jewish! I have menoooooorah, I have mezzzzzuuuuzah, I have ‘dotter’ learn in ulpan in Tel-Aviv! Of course I Jewish!” (This was the lady from the ground floor whose newly installed six inch deep carpet got ruined in the rain from the previous story, when I asked her if she was Jewish, upon noticing the mezuzah.)


Definition of Orthodox
“You mucho oftodox. I know. You mucho, mucho oftodox. I know dat. Cos you have dis” (shaking the corner of my jacket) “I see you do dis fo’ yo’ G-d” (mimicking shockeling) “You mucho oftodox.” (A Chinese chef on how he discovered my doxy.)


Definition of Orthodox II
“I am Orthodox. Tefilin I don’t have…” A distant relative, about his piety.


Bang!
Milk and chocolate milk in Israel are packaged in plastic bags. The Israeli kids have an ancient tradition of blowing up their emptied shoko bags and stomping on then, making a loud “bang”. So naturally, when Avi spotted an empty shoko, all blown up, lying in the school corridior, he did not miss the opportunity – running from the end of the corridor, he gave it his mightiest stomp ever. But he got more than he expected: the walls, floors and his clothes were all covered in spoiled chocolate milk, while a bunch of kids were laughing their innards off at their prank.

Kashrus alert
The family was gathered around the table, and as the mother put the steaming chicken soup down, a large kitchen utensil fell into the pot. After the walls and participants were all splashed with soup and jumping around, and the commotion began clibing down its climax, the youngest kid, a somewhat absent minded, dreamer type boy of about 5 looked up and asked in vivid surprise “What?! What happened?! It was milchig?”


Archaic
An American girl boarded an Egged bus in Jerusalem, asking the driver “כמה ממון? Kama mamon?”. Without missing a beat, the driver snapped “תרי זוזי - Trei zuzei!”*.
*the term ‘mamon’ (currency, finance) is totally out of place and archaic-sounding in this context. The ‘zuz’ was a coin in ancient Israel and Babel.)

Convincing Argument
A Jamaican guy was trying to convince an American guy that reggae music is far superior to rock’n’roll. He had a rock solid argument: “Rock just goes tananana, tananana, tananana, but reggae,” -ah, that’s so much more subtle- “goes Boom-boom bamm-bamm, boom-boom bamm-bamm”.

The Ascention
A known Chabad-hater who’d never miss an opportunity to take a stab at Lubavitchers, surprised us when he stated during a conversation that turned to Chabad: “It’s really a pity the the Rebbe didn’t have children”. A silence fell as we all gave him inquiring looks, because that by far wasn’t a nasty enough comment. So, with the typical thumb-motion and niggun of a good yeshivisha teiretz, he explained: “Since the Rebbe was God, his son would have been the Son Of God. Then the Chabadskers would have left us alone and gone to screw the Catholics’ minds!”


Pretty woman
A Haredi guy was sitting on the bus, and the only vacant seat left was next to his. A frei couple boarded the bus, but couldn’t sit next to each other as they wished. Then they started whispering among themselves, and the girl sat down next to the frum guy. Disappointed at the failure of his stratagem, the boyfriend asked his sweetheart’s neighbor “Doesn’t the Torah forbid a man sitting next to a woman?” “Yes” came the answer from the astute Yeshiva bocher “but that only applies to a pretty woman!”


Critical thinking
This soliloquy was delivered to me in the "shababnik" (“bum”, dropout, good-for-nothing) section of a Hassidishe shul, of which I was a founding member.
-These Hassidim, they are bums, mamesh bums. They are boors and amei-ha’arets. They know nothing. Nothing but picking their noses, fressing kugel and wiping their greasy hands in their bekitshes. And those Rebbes are opportunistic fat slobs. Have you ever seen a thin Rebbe? Never. Corrupt ganefs, every last one of them. OK, you’ve got a few exceptions, like Phillip and Stein, but the vast majority are ignoramuses. Ignoramuses, mamesh ignoramuses. No Yiddishkeit, no goyishkeit. Just like the Mizrachnikes – they made up their own version of Yiddishkeit, and made a circus of it, these clowns. Can’t read a blatt gemore, distort all poskim, they only read those bubbeh-maises in hassidishe sforim. They sleep late, daven late…. (After eight more minutes of this I asked him why hadn’t he gone davening in the Litvisha shul across the street – the shul in which we both ‘officially’ belong)
- I woke up late. Also, I can’t stand those Yeshivish people. They’re snobs, snobs, every last one of them. They’re the most evil people on earth. Lucky they don’t have any money. If the Litvaks had any money, they’d destroy the whole world… (After a few more minutes of this it was time for mussaf, so I was saved. This was the same guy from the bus in the previous story.)


Growth hormone
-Itzik!
-Yes commander!
-Why didn’t you shave?
-Nothing grew, commander!
-So why is your face all covered with “spikes”?
-That grew yesterday, commander!


Not a racist
My wife was telling me that she called at work, but it took that stupid schwartze half an hour to tell her that I was gone already. (As I wasn’t there they called a guy whose last name is Joseph). I told her that he isn’t a schwartze but Indian. “Oh, he’s such a nice guy!”

Polygamy
-Yossi! A whole day you’re sitting on the computer! It became your second wife!
-Chas v’sholem! It’s my first wife!


Original
“Of course all languages come from Hebrew! That’s evident!” yammered the cab driver to the linguist, who realized all too late that you simply don’t argue with an Israeli cabbie. “There are plenty proofs. Do you know how they say “egzoz” (the "official" Hebrew for exhaust pipe) in English? – Egzozt!”


Porky
“So what does this drunkard Noach do, first thing coming out of the arch? He plants a grapevine and gets stoned. Then his son Ham sodomizes him. So Ham got a curse to become a schwartze and a slave forever, and now all of humanity has to suffer. And ever since, the Jews don’t eat pork, because of this Ham” (A gentile chef with special affinity for medrashei chazal and racial equality)


Profession
The desperate teacher again admonishing the worst kid in class “What will be of you, Kobi? You never listen, you flunk all tests, your parents have to be called to Yeshiva every other day, you didn’t learn one word the whole year! What will become of you? What do you want to be? A chaver Knesset?”


Dead prank
A husband decided to pull the ultimate prank on his wife: he’d make believe that he committed suicide! So he staged a state of the art mock-hanging in his living room, tying a rope around his waist, concealed under his clothing, and the mock-rope around his neck. However, he was the one surprised when the maid came in, and, unimpressed by her employer’s tragic fate, started stealing the valuables around the house. Unable to climb down fast enough, all the poor guy could do was give a light kick in her rear-bumper when she walked by. She got a heart attack and dropped dead.

Live prank
This guy stayed home one day, and decided to fix a few things around the house. The fridge needed some more professional attention, so he called a technician. As the cooling expert was kneeling with his head in the refrigerator, Mrs. Came home. Not knowing that there was a stranger in the house, she slapped her “husband” on the buttocks. The startled techie gave a sudden jerk, which resulted in a powerful head-knock on the fridge’s top. When the medics heard the story, they laughed so hard the poor lad fell off the stretcher and broke an arm.


Water to wine
-Hello, the water company here
-Yes?
-We’re working in the area, can you please do me a favor? Just open the tap and let me know what happens? Thank you so much.
-There’s water running
-Did you expect Coke, you moron?
(a young kid’s favorite prank call)


Wet dream
I was sautéing some vegetables in a skillet, and as I gave a little too strong shake, some oil splashed out. A drop landed on my thigh, and that really hurt. Startled, I jumped backwards, realizing that I was lying on my folding bed in the tent. I had fallen asleep with a cigarette in my hand, and it burned a hole in my pants and touched my leg. A guy who witnessed the incident (and didn’t wake me up, just to watch the fun!) remarked, “Now that's what I call a real wet dream!” (“Wet” as in “Wet training” refers to training exercises with live ammo.)


WomanA lady was davening in a corner of the workplace corridor. A frum employee pointed out to the security guard that she was turned in the wrong direction. He just made a dismissive hand motion saying “אשה– woman”

© Joseph Izrael 2007

Guns'N'Moses

Just a few weeks short of 2366 years ago, Mordechai the Jew sealed a royal decree addressed to all Jews in the Persian Empire: they are to arm and defend themselves against their attackers, who in turn are required by a previous decree to annihilate and exterminate all of them. A miracle happened, and the Persian Jews did not start questioning and ridiculing the decree as insane and extremist. The bloggers of the time did not start making fun of rabbis, claiming that the evil Mordechai was manipulating the senile king in order to maximize the profits of his cousin Ezra HaSofer – CEO of Schmitd Ben Wessonstein, Persia’s largest rifle manufacturer. It seems that at that time, even the leitsanei hador understood that Buschashverosh gave Hamadinejad a free hand to eradicate them for good. Seemingly, the bleeding hearts didn’t claim that Mordechai was a warmonger trying to cash in on a drunkard’s boastings.

The Yidden at the time diligently went to the blacksmiths and gunsmiths to pick up arms and shields, and were getting ready to kill or be killed. No, they did not transgress the prohibition of “ מרידה באומות– rebellion against the nations”. They heeded Mordechai’s orders after fasting, repenting and davening for quite a while. And another miracle happened – they defeated all of their enemies, so much so that not one Jew had fallen.

2298 years later, a different empire banned Jews from all positions in firearm manufacturing and trading professions, and later barred Jews from bearing or owning any firearms. These were two laws in a long series of anti-Jewish racial laws. We all know what followed, and the memories of the gas chambers, incinerators and torture death camps became forever engraved in the Jewish memory. They are painful and depressing memories, but we must face them. Not only for the memory of the deceased and the commemoration of History’s biggest genocide, but first and foremost to draw the right lessons for our future. Unfortunately, now as then, all too many Jews feel so safe and secure amid the world’s turbulent incertitude – masked only by our addiction to unprecedented wealth and well-being – that they completely forget that the story of Purim is still a valid lesson, a fate’s warning, rather than just the commemoration of distant events.

The Constitution of the United States of America grants us all the right to keep and bear arms. Although in the states hosting the largest Jewish communities, the “bearing” part of this right is more theoretical than practical, so far even the most rabid left-wing extremists can only dream of stripping the citizens from owning rifles. All too many in our communities are simply oblivious to both the importance of the matter as well as to the accessibility of firearms. A used AR type rifle in great condition can be obtained for under $700, including paperwork. Handguns have more bureaucracy wrought around them, but are not inaccessible.

What people need to understand is that the Founding Fathers embedded in the Constitution the right to bear arms and to organize militias because of governments and rogue elements in any human society are unpredictable and cannot be trusted. Firearms handling and safety can be fairly easily and quickly learned by most anyone, from young children to elderly people, and require no specific physical strength or abilities. Furthermore, regular yet not excessively frequent training can instill a strong sense of responsibility, integrity and discipline in most users. In fact, shooting sports might be easily incorporated in frum summer camps or programs dealing with problematic youth (obviously not for kids who are already experimenting with drugs or alcohol – I’d say for not yet “at risk”) for little or no cost. The national 4-H youth program has an impressive shooting department within it. Of course, introducing a firearm in a large family’s home needs extra caution, but is in no way impossible.

If nothing else, the fact that our rabbis do not mandate guns should make you buy one! So this year on Ta’anis Esther take a few moments to think about what was the original cause of this fast day, and whether a little extra caution and preparedness is worth the investment.

Oh, just one more thing – on Purim don’t forget to lock up the gun before you get loaded!

PS –

If it seems to anyone that this post in any way insinuates support for Zionism and its state, or to reject the principles of bitochon – it is not the case. However, just as even the biggest Satmar buys a car to get to work rather than relying on G-d to supply him with a free flying carpet (sha’atnez free) or split the Ramapo river for him, and the greatest masmid in Lakewood applies for food stamps, Medicaid and HUD sec. 8 to support his selfless toils to grow in Torah, Yira’s Shomayim and honesty, so too we might be better off being prepared for the slight possibility of G-d not miraculously rescuing us from our dear Arab and Liberal friends.

PPS –

For those on the far-far-left wing of ultra-open super-modern Orthodoxy: wouldn’t it worth it to be prepared for just in case, that maybe, perhaps, efsher, ken zayn, ulai, the crazy evil fanatics like Rush Limbaugh, Rav Yisroel Belsky or myself would decide to assault you?

Abominog (מחאה נמרצת)

מחאה נמרצת
נבלה נעשתה בישראל

I call on any and all Rabbis, influential leaders, batei-din etc. to vehemently condemn and protest the abomination committed last week in Teaneck, NJ. (Two “Orthodox Jews” formed a sodomite civil union)

This action must be decried and condemned even more harshly than those of the buffoons who visited the Hitler of the Middle-East (Ahmadinejad) and the Conservative “rabbis” ignoble decision to permit sodomite behavior.

An official Cherem must be pronounced, especially by the rabbis of Teaneck, NJ, and everything must be done so that no Orthodox shul may tolerate them in its midst. And any shul that should give them shelter be pronounced non-orthodox and excluded from all orthodox organizations, and shul officials lose their positions in those organizations.

May the curse of the house of Eli befall on all who remain silent on this abomination.
"...למה לי רב זבחיכם"

For those feeble-minded, misguided, brainwashed or whose souls are otherwise too polluted to understand why these events are worse than cover-up of child molestation or paying honor to a terrorist, here’s a short outline:

· Rabbis and the Rabbinical establishment being silent on the two despicable sodomites masquerading as orthodox Jews and having their pictures spread all over the printed and cyber medias, not only give the impression of condoning or not caring about such behavior – but agreeing that it is accordance with the heilige Torah. (Despite any previous protest aginst the Conservative ‘psak’ or such behavior)

· The clowns who visit Ahmadinejad claim that they appease him and try to prevent him from harming Jews; child-molesters and their alleged protectors deny the evil they do. But the sodomite maggots openly promote their abominable deviances, ‘בריש גלי’, as “Orthodox Jews".

· The Torah and its laws are eternal, irrevocable, and unalterable. Distortion and defilement of the Torah and its laws doesn’t necessarily happen through reinterpretation or repelling of those laws: when the Law is blatantly transgressed and ridiculed while the Judges passively look on, it is equally a sullying of G-d’s honor. In other words, it’s as if a grocery sells obvious chazer with a hechsher, and the Rabbis who know it take no action.


PS.
It has come to my attention that a despicable, cowardly blogger promoting this tragic event and jubilating over it calls a certain respectable Rav a “friend of the blog”. I very strongly advise that Rav to distance himself from this depraved individual, lest all his work and ideas are dismissed.

Assassimilation

A recent survey shows that there are actually more Jews living in the States than we actually thought. Great news indeed! Unfortunately, the survey includes “people who think of themselves as Jews, ethnically”, and children of one Jewish parent. So according to this study, assimilation isn’t as big a deal as some of us may think. Well, until a few more generations, when the descendents won’t remember their grandparents’ Jewish origins.

Stopping assimilation and intermarriage overnight is probably unlikely, but many would like to slow the tide as much as possible. However, if this is done for the sake of sentimental nostalgia, and loosely defines Jews on ethno-folkloristic basis, it doesn’t lead any further than the aforementioned survey. The preservation of a nation must have at least a meaningful coherence and maintain its integrity. Which of course necessitates a definition tighter than “grandma used to bake kugel”.

Assimilation today is a rather slow process, each generation distancing itself from its origins until it merges with the surrounding nations. The first step in stopping the tide is obviously maintaining the Orthodox population, as well as reaching out to secular Jews who aren’t yet assimilated. Meddling with intermarried couples results in faulty and false giyurs that only increase the problem.

The argument that a more ‘open’ approach would result in maintaining a broader spectrum of people identified with Judaism, even if only on a folkloric basis, averred to be mistaken: according to a recent Mishpacha article, the intermarriage rate among Reform and Conservatives is triple that of unaffiliated secular Jews! Sadly, the ‘drop out’ (from Orthodoxy) rate is highest within Modern Orthodoxy. (Based on educators and laymen’s estimates, in absence of ‘scientific’ data.)

The Zionist dream of a non-Jewish Jewish state, wherein the nation would be defined by not being Jewish and be proud Israelis, averred being a fata morgana too. Ethiopian and Russian immigrants of dubious origins were imported to the country by hundreds of thousands for the sake of breaking down the society’s still strongly traditional makeup.
Our good friends who indulge in compulsive haredi and ortho-bashing don’t achieve much more than offering an excuse to drop out or for secular people to stay the way they are.

The main focus then should be on preventing dropping out as much as possible, to help stabilize the dropouts, and sensible kiruv. By ‘sensible’ I mean coming to the sad realization that certain sectors better be left alone: completely assimilated and intermarried people should be in our prayers, but the energy and resources for de-facto kiruv would benefit from being geared towards more likely targets. As has been recently suggested, collaboration between different orthodox factions may yield positive results – and in my opinion all the more so with ‘off the derech’ and ‘at risk’ kids. Instead of insisting on keeping them in our party enclaves, rather bring them closer to Judaism, period.

Perhaps a more unified and harmonious Judaism would be more appealing to those on the outside, without having to break down the protective walls of separation.

Sweet Child O'Mine

This Shabbos (and motzai Shabbos) we celebrated our family’s newest addition’s birthday.

This shall provide you with a living, scientific proof that acquired traits are very much hereditary. Nix evolution.

Computer addict; like father, like daughter.

The sweet tooth for booze starts at an early age. What will it be tonite – Budvár, Smíchov, Pilsen, Löwenbrau?

Some more images to come. Yup, I'm still using analog.

Jewry Duty

It’s only a few steps from what passes for ‘normal’ in this corner of the world. The border isn’t clearly defined. But once you’re inside, you just know you’re there. Here live people who never heard about Louis Pasteur or Louis Armstrong (either one), people who don’t know the difference between Barchetta and bruchetta, many of whom never even ate meat - not only tenderloins and similar delicacies, but even pre-packaged Meal-Mart stuffed peppers. They never heard of the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Elvis Presley or Pink Floyd; most oblivious even to Mordechai Ben David or Avrohom Fried. Many of them never traveled in a vehicle of any kind, most only rode buses. There are cars and cell phones, but technology stops pretty much there. Life here streams at a different dimension. And wonder of wonders, they don't become fatally ill from not watching the Sopranos, they do not expire of not knowing CO2 from H2O, and the fact that they are ignorant of recent world history doesn't turn them into monsters. Although they despise a culture in which the biggest promoters of smut become billionaires, they do not slam airplanes into buildings, and do not decapitate anyone. To the best of my knowledge, this abysmal ignorance hasn't brought them to die of hunger, epidemy, or to break out in tribal warfare. They do not slaughter each other, neither the adherents of different cultures and religions. There are many "open houses" here - houses in which anyone can step at any time, and will be fed and accommodated, no questions asked. They are peaceful people who spend most of their time learning, davening and engaging in simple craftsmanship or trades.

Yet, for some reason, these are among the most hated people on planet Earth. Not only by the secularist-communist kibbutz movement, but even by many torah-observant Jews. How can anyone call these people, despite their flaws and faults, “stormtrooping tsnius nazis” and similar epithets? Is it a subconscious recognition that authentic Judaism –inasmuch as such a thing exists today- lies within a two square-blocks area in Yerushalayim that generates such animosity?

The times when a majority of Jews had a clear idea about what Judaism really is, and actually practiced it, were unfortunately short, few and distant. To dismiss anything that doesn’t confirm to the strict confines of Old Jerusalem life would be foolish at best, yet denying that they carry the rest of the Jewish world on their shoulders – even if indirectly – is equally foolish. After all, their seclusion from modern life and its scientific and technologic advantages is largely possible because they themselves rely on it. Many of their supporters, suppliers and other providers of assistance are religious Jews living a very different life. The fact of the matter is, however, that any ideological deviance from the strict traditional consensus resulted in total severance from the Jewish nation. The Reform and Conservative movements today can be considered ‘Jewish’, only by strict racial definition – if at all. At their beginnings, these movements had no significant practical differences from the original national nucleus. But after a relatively short time, any semblance of Judaism was altered beyond recognition. It may sound as a vicious cheap shot, but sadly, it is hard to deny that Modern Orthodoxy and the Mizrahi movement are headed in a similar direction. And the general Haredi society is practically moving toward Modern Orthodoxy. Does this explain the rigid blockade and seeming detachment of contemporary Yeshivish leadership? Is it possible that they deem, for the long-term benefit of the klal, better to erect seemingly irrational walls around a minuscule lodge in order to protect its integrity? I can’t answer these questions. I can only theorize that just as an onion bulb has layer upon layer protecting the core, so too our nation has a core protected by numerous “layers”. At a certain point the layers become dry and brown – beyond that everything clinging to the onion is either dirt or parasites. Whether “true Yiddishkeit” inherently demands a strict Nietzschean “only the fittest survive” type of rule is debatable. Maybe in the times when the entire klal Yisroel lived on their land this was the case, as we find in the times of Chizkiyahu, that even young children were experts in hilchos tum’ah vetaharah, and the Jews were regularly castigated at every misstep. After the destruction it is perhaps impossible to achieve such levels, and our mere survival possibly relies on incorporating a more tolerant approach and a wider range of outlooks. There still is, however, a red line not to be crossed. Once Toraic principles are distorted or explained away, with all the good will, falsifiers have to be identified as such, and ties have to be severed with them.

Regardless of the segment one was born into or chose to adopt, it seems to me that denigrating and putting down the ‘purists’ who distance themselves from any other culture is self-destructive. There may well be a wide range of legitimate claims against this ideology/lifestyle – nevertheless, this should be done while bearing in mind that the precious core, small and fragile, is the reason for the “outer layers’” existence. The hurt over the “hesderniks’” death on the battlefield while others sit and learn in Yeshiva is legitimate and understood. However, if the reason for the soldier’s fall is to afford a secular, spoof-Western state with gay bars, rather than letting Jews sit in batei midrash, he not only died in vain, but for a bad and abortive clause.

We rely on Jerusalem far more than we’d like to consciously admit. Whether going to see B.B. King in NYC, annihilating a gourmet meal or davening on Yom Kippur in shorts and T-shirts in Kibbutz Sa’ad, we tend to forget that the reason we can do all this with a relatively clean conscience and transmit Yiddishkeit to the next generation, is due to the hundred and one years old blind Yerushalmi who walks for over an hour from his phoneless apartment to shul - less than a thousand feet away - sits down, asks someone to read him the Gemore, corrects him if he misses a word in toisfes, and asks for another cigarette.

Appetite For Destruction

The Jewish bankers control world economy and suck the Christians’ hard earned riches and money. The Jews are responsible for the 1929 stock market crash, world communism, freemasonry, and control all medias worldwide. Jews drink Christian blood, have big noses and plot to overthrow governments. Rabbis hide CB’s in their beards and their tooth fillings, and are all child molesters.

So claim some of our best ‘friends’. Even more painful is when some of our own wayward kin make more subtle, albeit similar claims. The Karaites, Helenisers, Zionists, Jewish Communists, Reformers and others have used similar rhetoric, in either concealed or not so concealed terms. The authentic Jew has been vilified, persecuted and incited against even by his own creed. But the most gut-wrenching experience is to hear this contempt-filled incitement and enraged hatred from our very own ‘orthodox’ or pseudo-orthodox brothers.

The oral diarrhea spurting forth of some websites calling themselves ‘progressive Judaism’ or similar media-borrowed monikers spew their hatred with greater zeal and bigger success than all “white supremacist” organizations combined together. Packaged in endless caring and hope for downtrodden miserables or for the well-being of the community itself, these Jewish anti-Semites fancy that they can hide behind such frail veils. But they are very mistaken. Even their target audience often sees through their evil intentions. Every day a new topic emerges, and somehow the Orthodox community, and especially its leadership, is again besmirched, smeared and accused for all of the world’s ills. They detest true Judaism with all their hearts, all their souls, and all their being.

Criticism is necessary for the preservation of any society – and Jewish history is par excellence loaded with its greatest leaders being criticized and chastised at every turn. The stretch, however, from that to willful vilifying, slandering and inciting is very long. Even when the nucleus for their ‘criticism’ is a valid topic, they use it as an excuse to bark and roar like bloodthirsty hounds. The end result is invariably a haughty smirk or an outright spit in the face of authentic Judaism. Their reason for doing it is one and only: hate. Whether this uncontrollable flow of hatred pours forth because they can’t stand to see entire communities renouncing the material temptations that are at a hand’s reach and dedicate themselves to the ways of Torah, or for other reasons, I can’t tell. But it is obvious that just as they or their fathers have left that kind of life behind, they want to force us to do the same.

Even more distressing is that some of our own have tacitly and cunningly endorsed certain of these hatemongers and their rhetoric. But make no mistake – our enemies have proven to make us stronger while destroying only themselves. Like all the false ideologies that arose in the last three thousand years, they will be blown away by wind like the autumn leaves. And even the beneficial effect to their hate-ridden hisses – namely, weeding out the true evil from our midst and correcting our own wrongdoings – will not be credited to them.

© 2007 Joseph Izrael

Stairway To Heaven

I tried to avoid the EL-AL ban controversy for various reasons, first and foremost because it does not pertain to the purpose of this site, as well as time and energy constraints. I’m a full-time chef, entertainer and psychologist even when on vacation. I sometimes wonder whether heilige Darwin created evolved all those amazing species only to give my dear children another excuse to spend my time and money, or to create more jobs within another arm of the entertainment and bioscience industries. He was a hell of a capitalist, you’ve gotta give it to him.

Some time ago a Moshe Feiglin article caught my attention as being the most witty and interesting among all that has been said and written on the subject. Here’s a short summary of his ideas (but reading the whole article is very strongly recommended):

…"[Y]ou are the one with the greater interest that the State should supply the atmosphere of Jewish identity. Both of us want our children to retain their Jewish identity. But your children will need a generally Jewish environment in order to retain their identity much more than my children."
"O.k., I understand," he said, "but what does that have to do with El Al?"
"The Shabbat is one of the foundations of Judaism," I answered. There is no Judaism without Shabbat. Shabbat is very important to me and that is why I prefer to have the people with the greatest interest in its preservation decide. I don't want to decide if El Al should fly on Shabbat. I want you to decide.
"Me?"
"That's right. You! I don't want religious parties or religious legislation. The more religious parties and religious legislation that we have in this country, the less Jewish identity we have. The majority of the public wants to preserve our Jewish identity. Why turn it into coercion and push the large traditional sector into the waiting arms of the small anti-religious minority? I want to break out of that cycle. I want you to take responsibility for your Jewish identity. We are both on the same side. I don't want the job of coercing you into anything. I completely rely on you. You can decide if El Al should fly on Shabbat." …

Despite the strong arguments and interesting angle of presenting the subject, I respectfully digress. Besides for Israel having been created as the Jewish state, and as such having an evident obligation to preserve at least a bare minimum of symbolic adherence to Jewish tradition, the argument itself is fallacious. Applying self-discipline to the legal system is a script for anarchy and abolition of the rule of law. So why not abolish all fiscal laws and penalties in order for people to be able to self-define their moral discipline and integrity? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if theft and robbery were thwarted solely by the people’s honesty instead of the fear of sentencing? Unfortunately, reality teaches us otherwise. And so too, even though within democracy’s parameters we’d be hard pressed to prevent Israelis from desecrating Shabbos, we must however prevent this from happening via something that represents the state which, in the eyes of many –justifiably or otherwise-, symbolizes Judaism.

The true approach came through the lens a Mishpacha magazine reader in the letters to the editor:

“I respectfully but vehemently disagree with your explanation of the El Al issue. You refer to their decision, when they flew on Shabbos, to “slap this community in the face”. You mention their lack of “any sensitivity to our feelings”, and so on. While there’s a lot of truth in your words, I think they slightly, but significantly, miss the point:
The early days of the Battle for Shabbos in fledging Israel, waged in Kikkar Shabbos and at the Edison’s Theater, saw some of “Jerusalem’s finest” fighting with their heart and soul and sacrificing their bodies for kedushas haShabbos. But their screams were more than outrage; they were cries of pain accompanied by tears for Yiddishe neshamons straying away from hachayim v’hatov. They cried for Hashem’s Shabbos and for Hashem’s children, not for their own sensitivities.
Today, one struggles to hear, under the war cries of “Shabbos!” on Bar Ilan Street, any echoes of those earlier convictions. As in many areas, we mimic the actions we saw our elders doing, but we’re lacking the pnim. That same “Shaaaabbbooossss!” that once arose out of our ahavas Hashem – and, yes, even out of ahavas Yisrael – today seems to come from a source of pure contentiousness, if not animosity. It’s as if the “struggle for Shabos” has degenerated into a soccer match: Shomrei Shabbos vs Mechalelei Shabbos; let’s see who’s stronger.
Perhaps this is just another manifestation of the unfortunate fragmentation within Israeli society in which everything is seen in terms of “us” and “them”. Perhaps the secular media is to blame for that. Perhaps it’s the inevitable outcome of a system of coalition politics, where everything comes down to miflagtiyut, party lines. But shouldn’t we be above that? Is it really our Shabbos or Hashem’s?
The attitude of “they can’t trample a community like ours” has a ring of black power ballyhoo. Similarly, the increasingly prevalent attitude of chareidim demanding their rights as a powerful consumer bloc is more is more benefiting a consumer union dedicated to financial benefit than those who claim more rarified ideals.
Did El Al insult us when they flew on Shabbos? Did they disrespect our feelings? Did they “deal a ringing slap in the face of their most loyal customers”? Yes, yes, yes.
But more importantly they desecrated Hashem’s Shabbos. To focus elsewhere is to miss the point entirely.”

Shloimi Kolko
Jerusalem

© Joseph Izrael 2007

The Thin Line Between Love And Hate

An Arab woman disagrees with an anonymous Jewish blogger; I am talking about the one who refuses to acknowledge that he is an anti-Semitic hatemonger and incites brothers against each other, mourns for a brutal dictator, calls his execution a miscarriage of justice, and hints at Simon Wiesnthal being a revengeful maniac. Sad but true.

PLease click here to view the video.

For those of you whose "mame loshen" is Hebrew, this person speaks a very clear and eloquent Arabic, and even if you don't speak that language you will be able to understand many words and some sentences. (Just in case that the aforementioned blogger claims that the video was edited by right-wing fundamentalists and the subtitles forged.)

© Joseph Izrael 2007